You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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