I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
