He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize