he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My feet surprised me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
