tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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