haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
