so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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