so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
