I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
