I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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