Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
