the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
