batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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