I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
