i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
