I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
