She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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