I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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