You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
