How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
