Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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