I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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