new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
