You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
