You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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