Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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