so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
