As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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