you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
