i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
