420 ftw
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
