I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
