she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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