I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She even gives head with a lisp.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want nice things and good sex
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
