I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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