the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
