I am puke
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
