My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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