if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize