i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
