I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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