im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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