If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize