its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize