Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
