Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
