I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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