Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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