My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Life is so much better after having sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
