god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
