Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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