there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
