Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize