There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
