I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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