cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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