The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
