opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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