Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was like getting head from an anaconda
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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