franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
