I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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