You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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