you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
