Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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