Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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