Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
