I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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